where were you when I was still kind?

Okay. I see.

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can.

I'll overdo it

This has not been a great month. I've been struggling with really invasive thoughts of self-harm. I know a lot of it is chemical.

I don't like writing about this shit. I want to be one of those people who has their stuff together, but I'm not right now. I'm just not. I am trying to run through my routines, because that's about what I can do. I'm running, I'm being involved in political action, I'm cleaning my dumb house. So that's what I have.

*

Sven's learning to run with me. He can do about two miles at a steady 7-7.5 pace before he gets distracted. He can run so fast. It doesn't look like it here, but please notice that three of his four paws are off the ground.

*

I got a tattoo, not because I was having one of those meltdowns where people freak out and make decisions about their appearance, but because I made the appointment a month ago and it happened to fall now.

Moon's in the same position outside even now while I'm writing this. I like it, but I haven't got a non-grainy phone picture of it that looks very good yet. Leap the Elk, from that traditional Swedish fairytale I like so much. You know, the one about losing your heart in a pond.

*

Chris bought me Mashita on Wednesday just because, and I got a postcard today about otters and shells from CA.

*

Augusta, same as ever.

Having done something stupid and cruel, now I feel consumed by self-loathing, regret, and softness toward the object of my cruelty.  I just fuck up every single thing. It just goes deeper and deeper. I want so badly to just not exist.

*

But really, just fucking kill me.

I haven't really been my best self this week. This is not really me.

drive this little girl insane and fly away to somewhere new

I haven't had anything great to say here, so I haven't updated this, or if I have, I've deleted it, since it's been negative angry stuff, and not really my best self.  Nothing bad is really happening, I'm just not here. I don't have a lot of imagination or spirit right now. Maybe this is what turning into a bitter, tired person feels like.