ready to be a threat, I was getting set

I'm sitting alone in my office, watching the last little drips of light soak out of these glass suncatchers I put in the window, and feeling not a small bit lost.

Today's calories

Like -0.

I'll do better tomorrow.

everything I love is on the table, everything I love is out to sea

I wrote what you might call a personal essay in a bar last week when I was mad. I thought it was incoherent at the time, but reading back over today, I have become dazzled with my own brilliance and perhaps will type it up and post it here.

I've been thinking some about the style/name of this blog. I considered changing it, since it's been a few years now, and the layout is pretty old to me. I have worried about the name--Even Then, and my leading line quote from silly James Tate poem Peggy in the Twilight: "Even then, it was too late for tragic women, tragic anything."

Abstracted, pulled off the page and onto the title of my blog, it sounds so sad and melodramatic, but god, the poem it's from is supposed to be funny. It's wry and poking fun at itself, a parody of the ludicrously indulgent claim. And frankly, it is too late to be tragic. No one has time for that. It can be truly funny sometimes to be really abjectly sad. I remember being struck by that when I was all fucked up before. It's so overblown and boring that it circles back around to hilarious. I want to be real, practical, and self-sustaining.

I'm steadfast about not having any emotions, tragic or funny, for my current part. My feelings are resolutely not hurt. My cheeks are nicely sunburnt. Work and home are hard right now, but I'm being quiet and asking for nothing, putting to death expectation where I find it in myself.  I'm a good little island.

Long roots for posterity. 

Real post soon, I've even mostly wrote it

2 Coffee: 84
Garbanzo Bean Salad: 214
Coconut granola bar: 150
Dried Apricots: 314 (1 cup seems like way more than I had, but who knows)
Hemp Seeds (1/2 ounce?):  80

840

To be continued...

Calories Sunday so far

Blueberry scone-310
Coffee-42
V8-70
protein shake-200
truffle-40

....chocolate covered strawberry x 3 don'tjudgeme: 90
roll: 170
2 slices pizza: 500
caesar salad: 110
beer: 300
red wine: 124

1966

I want more chocolate covered strawberry.

“Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”

Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.”

"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens."

I'm mister november, I won't fuck this over

Snow outfit.

how much energy

A friend suggested I try this out sometime, so that time is today. I'm not trying to lose weight, just curious where my calories are coming from and what I'm burning  I'll update as I go about the day. Or I'll forget about and post more pictures of lamps and my face.

Food things:
1 cup rice pilaf 258
banana 105plain greek yogurt 90
apple 116
pineapple juice 100
cup coffee with cream 84
spaghetti with meatballs: site said 412 but I'm going to round this up to 500 because I ate a ton of it
bread: 185
salad with balsamic/parm cheese: 280 =1718

Oh, yeah, plus alcohol.
2 beers: 308
1 glass of wine:120

2146


Exercise things:
Uh. 30 minute walk.That's like... -75?

Lamp Project 1.1: Make Shitty 4 dollar thrift store lamp into norwegian rosemaled masterpiece (or whatever)

Let there be light!

a dork is here

It wasn't a super productive day.

But I'm super into Brienne of Tarth right now.

I won't be vacant anymore, I won't be waiting anymore

I been posting nothing but selfies and vague trash lately, so here's some actual content.

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1. Buy fancy bulk spices.
2. Spill Cayenne Pepper all over hand.
3. Think "should wash hand."
4. Immediately rub eyes instead.

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Today, I am spending indulgently. So far that has consisted of working out as long as I wanted, cleaning, running errands, taking a long shower, and briefly having the most intense panic attack I've had since high school. (Don't judge, different indulgent strokes for different folks.Yes, and a little of that too.) I bought the most beautiful dress: deep blue french silk, size 2. (I am typing the size because dress sizes are about the only way any tall girl gets to feel petite.) I also bought paper towels, a laundry basket, some organizing boxes, a green wool work dress, a lamp, and some rose-colored paint to paint said lamp. (It's a shitty fake plasticy wood base.) I had coffee for breakfast, an apple, a banana, and a granola bar for lunch, and for dinner, I am making my bachelor self butterfly rice and sprouted beans with vegetables with a cucumber martini if I'm good.

*

I wonder if skiing would be fun. I used to really like it. I bet it would be good exercise.

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Mead progress--an old picture, but I wanted to show off. Next batch is ready to start on: 1 Gallon of Rosemary Thistle.

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POST DINNER EDIT: 

I call this meal: Don't Wake the Dragon.

Because the dragon in this case has had a lot of healthy proteins and good fats and fine gift vodka and is spoiling for a little adventure.

In this light, she could almost be a beauty, he thought. In this light, she could almost be a knight.
-GRRM, Storm of Swords

picspost

Girl's night intenselfie.

 

Some favorite fields on a warm day walk.

 

 

 

Froze and  melting.