Yesterday, I had a good day, up until the end. I passed the Monday off in a kind of happy Jess buoyant productive activity, carried along on a good current of the things I love: hiking and doing. Early in the evening, I spent some time waiting to start on dinner, but prepping a little, just hanging out in my kitchen, picking greens and herbs, chopping mushrooms, and thinking.
Particularly, I thought about how right now, at the end of this summer, I am the most my good, best self. September and October are my harvest seasons. It occurred to me that I should plan for ways to actively re-center on those qualities when the days start getting shorter. \ I've written about my winter depression before on this blog, and it probably doesn't bear repeating, but sometimes I lose track of myself in the winter months. Small setbacks or disappointments (or big ones, God, especially big ones) turn into these rock scrambles of identity crisis and self destruction.
I thought that it might be a good exercise to write down a couple reminders to myself, so I can maybe reference back to as the winter sets in. A few things I want to remember when my long night self comes walking.
-*-
-it's okay to like stuff, it's okay to say you like stuff and be excited about it, it's okay to wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes, and never let anyone make you feel like that's a stupid way to be
-you like tea: you're gonna forget that you like tea, but it'll still be good, especially when you inevitably get sick. Go to the co-op with Chris and pick out something ridiculous like Moon Cycle or Dragon Oath Purification.
-you don't have to write but you do have to exercise and writing would probably help
-talk to the people around you and be present: goddamn actually
listen
-the more you give of yourself, the more you'll realize you have, whether it's time, generosity of spirit, or resources. Pick up trash and make people quiches.
-be optimistic and full of boundless, wild-eyed hope, like fucking Yan. You know how to at least pretend to be like this, you can do it for real.
-say yes to things, more often "yes, please" which is even better because it's more polite
-take care of your dumb feet, seriously, they have a lot longer to carry you
-surround yourself with quartz, which will make you fearless
-remember always: jealousy just makes people smaller
-go for a run, stupid. go for a hike, stupid.
-are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
-reach out, be the first to apologize, don't be too proud to ask for help
-going to the woods is a cool trick for turning you back into a real breathing calm being again
-take pictures of things that make you happy, or that you've spent time making beautiful and put them on your fucking instagram, which will be very fun for you
-maybe don't put curses on people
-surround yourself with beautiful, powerful, mean, bright women, the best ones you can convince to associate with you, and worship them accordingly--they only make you better and stronger
-wear dresses; your ass looks so good in dresses and they are one of the best parts of being tall
-remember to live in a constant state of fucking gratitude
-eat your dumb vitamin D gummies, use your stupid dumb sunlamp, jerk off, drink water
-sometimes you read into things; ask yourself: are you reading into things, are you projecting your insecurities on a situation?
-love, or at least don't stalk the social media of, your enemies
-it's fine to clean house as an act of decisive mental health
-be a participating, effusive member of your community and build up the things and people around you. Be gracious and inclusive in everything you do. Make things bigger, don't cut people out
-remember that fire and light are your servants
-the only thing is other people
