there was poison out

I'm listening to sad music, like an idiot, after the worst day in recent memory. The thing that keeps sticking in my throat is this feeling of anger. Inequity. I know it always comes back to that--that's what hooks on me.

I had a productive night, otherwise. More cleaning, more sorting, I need a new backdoor rug. I swept. I staked. I weeded. I moved the garish deer skull around my garden. The mosquitos bit me through my clothes. So it goes.

I don't care for the current stars or cards or my mood. Impossibly childish and hurtful. I just want to go someplace wild and do some hiking. "Suck my dick," I want to say to everything. Except not really. I want to burst into tears. Remember how I used to be funny?

I think I need to be calm for the next three weeks. I need to remember to be patient with myself and pay attention and run so I don't go crazy like I'm doing tonight. I know I'm not that interesting. I need to write my goddamn writing assignments and think about the rest of my life after this job I have now.

Do you know what I miss about Iceland? The fucking breakfast. I don't even eat breakfast now. But in Iceland, it was the only thing that wasn't terribly expensive, and in Reykjavik everything was so far away, each day was physically exhausting--5-10 miles of walking at least, just on a light day. An icelandic breakfast is like 5 different types of black bread with various fish or dried meat, or weird butters on it, this thick plain yogurt, a bunch of fruit, cheese, eggs, fish oil that you would take like a shot. It kinda sounds gross now, actually, but it was so good then, all desperate for carbs and protein, as far into my fond ancestral north as I've ever been. I'm not a very good at being norse for how much Scandinavian blood I have in my veins. I like the warm months and even now I can feel a little unsettledness as the days get shorter. At the other side, also, I feel a little feral. So, there's that.

Nope, let's get you to bed.