don't want to be a boy today

Thirsty, tired, sad today, but studies in getting by. Good backup. Emergency protocols. Long run. Wrote a note to myself on my vanity: Jessica don't forget to go to the DOCTOR. That is not a metaphor for some kind of self-rescue. I need to remember to go to the doctor. I've already forgotten like three times.


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Listening to crap high school music.

I felt really bad driving back last night, too bad to listen to my stupid audio book about Indians, so I just listened to the radio. I love the radio, especially driving 234 and remembering tearing that road up with Jill as a teenager, her pushing her damn huge boat of car up to 90, 100, to the likes of Pearl Jam or Linkin Park, and the whole car would shake like it was about to bust apart. I'd manage the radio, she liked to drive. She was just an awful driver, the worst ever.

I guess I am feeling high school also because I am wearing a crap oversized t-shirt with the neck cut out like a girl who wants to be pretty but doesn't know better. I let my hair air dry so it's curling weird around my face like it used to do before I learned how to burn that shit into place.

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Over the weekend, Chels told me that her younger sister, my eleven year old cousin, believes herself and I to have a deep spiritual connection, to the point that we are magically the same person separated by time, existing simultaneously in the world. She confided to Chels that she hopes and believes that she will look exactly like me when she gets older, and that we have the exact same personality, and that she wants to be just like me. It was touching and flattering, of course, but I wanted to be like oh, kid, no, no! (I also wanted to tell her that we definitely do have the same nose and it's kind of annoying but she'll definitely grow into it and it's not so bad.)

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I'm looking forward to spending some time being domestic in the next week. I want to wash all the linens in the house and air dry them outside (might have to wait for the weekend), get a significant start to the garden, and wash and air out the house. Spring cleaning, I suppose. Maybe while I do this I'll wear a little flowery skirt, pink lipstick, and put up my hair.