Energy, suddenly dropping weight though my workout routine is fairly the same, intermittent unexpected crying, and five straight days of sex dreams means that maybe it is finally getting to be spring, even if the weather is determined to say otherwise. My body feels like it's moving the same way as the plants unfolding under the dead leaves in my garden, same as the birds that are suddenly everywhere and looking to fuck.
The first camping trip of the year, and it reminded me of the snow camp back in 2016, the way everything was so tentative and bruised out there, but packed with potency. There was a crow's nest in one of the great, dying pine trees in our site. The water was clear, up, and so cold. I felt empty headed for most of the time, walking alone or with my boys, feeling out my body. Windstorms had knocked down a lot of deadfall. Something about it felt so accommodating.
*
Today, I was easy. I unpacked; I moved my possessions unproductively around my house. I called my mom and she wanted to talk about whether I thought the souls of dogs endured on, or were destroyed upon their death. I told her that there wasn't any way God would spend all this time creating something so designed for relationship with an immortal being, and then throw it away, and besides, it'd be inefficient to populate the afterlife with a whole new set of created animals. I couldn't tell her how much comfort I take in the opposite idea: this deep affection for dissolution, the idea that at the moment of my death all of my dreams, deepest, secret little hopes, funniness, talent, cruelty, soft jealousies, deep loves, stupid stories, fingernails, eye crinkles will perfectly un-exist and be quiet and complete. But you can't say that to your mom.
I called my grandmother, too, and then went downtown to pick up some eggs from Mary. I bought myself a cappuccino, which I loved. I tried to garden afterward, but I kept having to cross to the sunlight parts of the yard.
I don't know if it will snow, but I hope it does.
No comments:
Post a Comment