I think there must still be some xanax in my system because I can't quite settle into a focus, or find the catch in my own gears. I'm drifting after a bad, long day, and while I'm not anxious, I'm not exactly present either. I think something has shifted, because after years of being prescribed this drug and hating it, never taking it, the feeling of empty blankness it creates actually for once feels good to me. I can see how people get addicted to it and accidentally Heath Ledger themselves. Or maybe I'm just in a big mood.
*
I got it into my head that my front garden needs to be reworked for fall, which I'm actually looking forward to. I got it into my head this year that if there's something in my garden that's not working out or that's past the prime, I yank it out and put something I like better there. As a girl who got her start gardening picking plants out of the trash at the nursery where I worked (and honestly, I still have some of those plants 11 years later...) it's pretty counter intuitive. But I think the yard has benefited from it, if it would ever stop raining. So tonight I ripped out the browning zinnas and crabgrass and put in a new fox red coneflower, some pale blue asters and lighter pink mums to soften up the big mess and give my front porch prize pumpkins some space. There's a lot more to be done, but that's what I like about gardening. I have two beds worth of cole crops in, and one cleared out ready to plant the ones I bought over the weekend.
*
Is this always the way it is going into this remembering season? Such hairpin triggers. Will it ever become different? Recently I found the list of things I made last year to remind myself, and I wanted to add some postscript about kindness to it, for myself, or others. I wanted to add something.
No comments:
Post a Comment