My last morning as a renter. I'll be a home owner hopefully by 3pm today. Fittingly, the dog barfed everywhere. 

What to say that I haven't already said about what this means? What picture can I take? What small offerings are there to be made? 

I sit in my costco sweat pants and green top that always reminds me of elves. The morning was so cold that it hurt my face to walk in it. In my graveyard, they are taking down the trees. It's taken me a few days to understand that they aren't maintenancing them, they are harvesting them - taking away the huge hundred year old trunks, grinding up their stumps. They pulled out the old stumps too: every single one that I use to feed my crows and even the oyster mushroom stumps. I can't pretend that this doesn't make me sad, but then I think about how my neighbor just buried his son in that same space, and I'm sad about a tree? 

My feelings are muted right now. Even a dream has a hard time rattling me. I think it's the time of year, all the uncertainty and tragedy plus my seasonal depression. I have the feeling that in a couple weeks, my body, my emotion, all of it will wake back up and feel brilliantly raw and close to the surface. I'll eat strawberries in my kitchen at dusk and ache in the most primal, satisfying way. 

But for now... 

Tonight, all my friends are coming over to have a big champagne happy hour to toast the house. Tomorrow, I'll go down to Vanaheim and try not to barf over every inch of it this time.