you were supposed to walk me home from the river, man, this is heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking

I had this big thoughtful tired post all planned about where I am with various losses and plans and calibrations, but the evening took an unexpected and classically grim turn. I think instead of ruminating on the endless parade of cynic revelation, I'll make a hard-working agreement with the day. I'll drink a dark beer, write some porn, and nurse my shoulder, which feels like it has had the heavy butt of a shotgun kick into it a hundred times today, which is exactly what happened.