live through this and you won't look back

I had planned not to write for a couple days because, like, it must get tiring to read post after post like "dear diary, today I did not go to work and instead stayed home and sobbed for a few hours" but then something interesting happened so I wanted to talk about it. So much for resolution, huh?

Today I participated in a strange local tradition where a bunch of people from my town go out to a farm in the mountains. There's a homemade wigwam sweat lodge, and you go in and sit in the utter and total dark and say whatever you need to say. Then everybody gets out and jumps into the freezing Shenandoah river. It sounds weird, and it was, but it was also frankly, kind of life-changing. It's obviously strange and remarkable to pour your heart out to 16 half-naked strangers, the weird sudden intimacy, hearing everybody else's stuff, but it was so much more than that. The physical feeling was like nothing I'd ever experienced. It sounds obvious, but it was so hot. As hot as I've ever been in my life. Incredible heat. You could feel your heart just pounding. The mud was ice-cold if you dug your fingers down into it and that was like a lifeline.

And then, into the river--it was like lying down in white fire. Heart-stoppingly cold. It was the Middle Branch, a line of the Shenandoah with a blissful lack of associations, and it was running high. I opened my eyes underwater and it was all brown and wild. The current tossed me back a bit. I felt like a brook trout.

Something I want to remember: in the lodge, after I said my piece, the lead guy stopped the circle to say what probably sounds like kind of trite advice, but really hit me. The gist of what he said was "That river is a metaphor for life. You step in and everything washes off of you. You can let go of anything at any time."

The experience gave me the feeling that I've had several times this year but haven't been able to articulate until today. Even though things are hard and painful for me right now, and I don't understand a lot of what is going on or what the meaning is behind it, I think I'm at least where I need to be.

That said, I feel so wrung out. I'm also pretty hungover and exhausted from all that new years eve.