There's a line in my favorite show: we don't get to stop, we have a job to do. That has resonated well with me this year. It's a good year for tomatoes, the best one I've ever had. Mars has been retrograde all year, since the end of February, and it's finally turning back around come the end of August. I've gotten a lot done in this backward season. I have changed nearly everything. I won't pretend I'm ready for this autumn, but I have to be soon.
A couple nights ago, Josh was teasing me about something, and he said "Do your Yan voice for me; say that in your Yan voice." and I couldn't. It was just gone. That sounds so tremendously silly, and I know that. But being in that mindset with Legends was such a conscious change for me, and I bought it hook/line. Forgetting it felt somehow symbolic, and I wasn't drunk enough not feel genuinely about it: not charmed by my own coldness, or my commitment to no longer pretending to lose. The lessons I learned about myself from that whole experience were important ones. Even pretend people.
I did remember eventually a couple days later. The trick was to say "waaaaaoohhhht" like you've just been totally blindsided by your own stupid vulnerability and the relentless cruelty of the rest of the world. Oh well, thank goodness. There's still some part of myself that can be a total sucker.
At that field party, I discovered I'm really good at kickball still. A drunk guy called me "MVP!" so there's that, too. It was a great party. All my best bitches were there. I wore good boots, and the sky was amazing; the milky way up right bold the way it never is anymore.
This week and the next will be interesting. I'm happy that for tomorrow at least, I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going.
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