I've gone crazy, couldn't you tell; threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell

-I didn't much want to, but I did my five miles tonight. I don't enjoy running like I used to, but I still do it, because it's important to stay fit, and sometimes things are hard but you have to do them anyway. Maybe I'm just a little burned out. I don't set goals anymore: I don't have to, I'll run either way, but maybe I should get back to it.

-I sent out a ton of work tonight, washed the sheets, talked to my mom on the phone, made a really nice-looking and tasty dinner, cleaned up, packed lunches

- my old mentor at work is turning into my friend now that I'm off training and he doesn't have to talk to me but still does for some reason. I know that sounds pathetic, but I realized it today, after I noticed it was the x day in a row he'd turned up at my cube to tell me something unrelated to work for 30 minutes. "Oh, you have voluntarily decided I am worth still talking to. What?" I like him the way I genuinely like people sometimes without knowing too much about them. He looks like a grim elf and used to be a male ballerina and his wife who works downstairs leaves sweet notes on his monitor that I first thought were notes he'd written as encouragement to himself.

also I thought I'd left my badge at home today but it was just at the bottom of my purse

-*-

I tell you one thing I've been thinking about. I think my personality has changed in a bad way over the last year: I'm such a little nihilist these days. I'm not depressed, I just have this let down feeling of seeing how everything actually is. It's like in the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy pulls back the curtain and sees that the wizard is just a sad little man pulling levers. Suffering has no great purpose, and there's no real narrative to anything, no story, no meaning.

But one thing about that is that I'm not afraid anymore.