light my way, Virginia May (and I'm saving all my sleep for another life)

I'm sad today. I just am, in an ordinary way, and I keep trying to get myself out ahead of it, or swing off the other direction, but it's just here, and I might as well acknowledge it instead of trying to bolt. All I've wanted to do for the last few days was write (well, and be understood, and wanted around, and not always in last place, but that's the usual), but now that I have some alone time to do so, I'm doing poorly at it. Work is scarybad, there's been another death, and two of my best friends are going through something excruciatingly hard. I'm just a dumb, helpless girl for it all. I kept it together all week, and now I'm crying into the corners of my Saturday.

I guess after having this massive depression over the winter, I don't quite know how to be normal person sad, but I'm trying to be good. I want to like, talk about it instead of wanting to self-immolate, which is new. I caught myself writing and writing to a friend Friday, and then felt a bit foolish for my obvious need. That's so unlike me these days.


*

I want to write about the funeral church, because for whatever else, it was beautiful.

It was held at one of those old old churches, the kind that were attacked by Shawnee at some point in their histories. Building built in the 1800s, congregation older. The stained glass was luminous and the vaulted ceilings made it feel a bit like walking in the deep woods. After, we went down to the basement where they served homemade lemon ice cream on glass plates with silver spoons and tea cups. Sitting there on a discarded pew, in my long black dress, I felt like some cold Hessian church girl, and so small.


*

I hung out with Ali today--she and I picked out plants together, and then went down to the bar and had a few beers.

I got:

-purple peppers
-cayenne peppers
-french parsley
-yellow oxheart tomatoes
-snapdragons (little)
-eggplant
-marigolds
-geraniums
-lobelia
-one small fern

*

Now two more pictures.

Some mermaid hair, which is about the only good thing about this weather, and my farmer's market haul, which is mostly spring greens and at least twenty percent columbine.