Still feeling under the weather and exhausted, tangled up with fever dreams and memories and thinking about the new year. Is it always true that if I have a week off just to rest and do nothing that it will line up for the exact week I'm sick, or broken, or half-mad? I have a superstition where everything you do on New Year's eve will come back to you in the subsequent year. In some way, I think I fucked up 2020 on 2019 NYE being a drunk dumbass and acting shitty. In a different way, NYE 2020 into 2021 held some foreshadowing of the year that would come. 

But there's more to this year than that, certainly. There were beautiful and good things too, and things I want to remember. I restarted this blog for especially that reason. And for the greater idea of it all. 

I want to write about that a little bit. But maybe later when I'm feeling a little stronger. I still have a few days before the new year. In my old livejournal (and probably in the early days of this) I used to do end of year recaps, like literally go month by month. Can you imagine remembering your life so specifically as you did when you were young? It feels so... let me see... almost presumptuous? I think that's always been the issue with keeping journals, especially online ones, that I've struggled with. It's just for me, but who the fuck could possibly care that I'm remembering these things? Do I imbue them with meaning because I write them down? Do I remember them better, or avoid them the way that I do the early chapters of this blog, when I was so full of spit and life and want and rage and earnest candor? 

The weather says that rain is coming. Absurdly, after a day or two of no appetite, I want to eat something pickle-y or spicy. I felt a little nuts not being able to go for runs, first with all the Christmas fuss and then being sick, but I managed to go for a three mile walk and listen to my dumb book. The crows missed me, and strangely, the ugly little feral cats I need to get fixed in the new year. I made a little fire in the yard, and as soon as it was perfectly blazing, the rain started.