Blue old evening, and me most of all. There was smoke in the sky today and yesterday, some part of the Alleghany on fire like it often is this time of year, with me left to wonder if it's intentional or an accident. Everything pretty much sums up that way, doesn't it? Even so, hard to breathe, hard to see. 

But tonight feels like the most spring night I've felt in a long time. Everything is sky-lit even after sunset and there are bright yellow flowers lighting up in my yard. The birds are louder, and I can hear them even before I get up in the morning now. I feel cold, tired, and strange.

I'm sure I was going to write something about the weekend aside from the fact that every meaningful piece of my camping equipment failed and broke, from my entire almost-ten-year-old tent to something as small and expected as the sleeping bag I have been trying to replace for years. And I was so cold. 

If I were being cute in this blog, I might chalk it up to my little curse, but more and more it feels like a part of me, and not some kind of external assigned factor. Not magic. Just everything old, tired, and broken, and most of all me. I realized for much of the weekend, I was literally disassociating, a new symptom in all of this - completely absent in my body, staring blankly into the fire or the river. After, I thought I should get back into therapy to deal with this grief or depression or whatever it is, but I couldn't even get through the questionnaire. Maybe I'll try mindfulness exercises. That'll probably fix it, right?