Despite all my grief and inability to sleep and feeling that my brain, when awake, was literally poisoned against me - I had the good, soft, conversation dreams last night in the bare moments that I slept. I guess I needed them. And I feel grateful to whatever generosity in the universe or magic or in my own stupid brain that brought them to me. Please. I do need something right now. 

I called my mom who I have been supposed to call for so many days now that it's embarrassing. I had told myself I wouldn't tell her about 1. the house contract because she'd been so shitty about it over Christmas and 2. Casey because I don't want to actually talk about it with anyone who wasn't my secret blog, too much to explain, and also I could see her saying something disgustingly pro cop in the situation. But I ended up telling her about both, and it was really nice. She at least pretended to be excited about the house, and when I said "Casey died this week" she said "Casey <his last name>!???!" (a thing I can't believe she remembered) and immediately understood all the depressing sad my mentor died in a horrific way stuff I'm going through. I feel grateful for that. She's not always an easy person to bring grief to. 

I'm also glad to be going down to Vanaheim tomorrow. I need to be unplugged. I like the blunt fields and dead farms. I like to walk around, completely alone except for Sven, and think. 

I did think to myself today: maybe you should jerk off more and cry less.