Erhh. Bad mood today. Trying to tell it back to myself the way I like to do when I'm feeling like I'm overreacting, but shit, I just feel shitty about the things that are making me feel bad. I guess that's unaccountably vague. 

Tomorrow is my favorite work friend's last day, and I am in office thing about it. I had been feeling complicated by the way she seemed to rebuff my efforts at maintaining a post work friendship. Then today, she asked me to work on her quite recently-late mother's eulogy with her, a death I know she is utterly destroyed by - a contrast of a deeply personal request plus general uncertainty which reminded me that she's always been complicated and confusing to me, and is actually going through a lot that doesn't involve me. (I always have struggled with separating that out - personal rejection from the people I love going through personal issues that don't involve me. Blog, you know. It sucks. It's hurtful to those I love and embarrassing.) 

I acknowledge this about her.  And that maybe there are people in life - treasured, dear people - that never ever exactly make exact sense to you, and you can still love them. 

Five years ago this week she and I started together at this job. I had my first work-related panic attack in front of her. She advocated for me when I never asked her to. She made me get raises I didn't deserve because she said to my boss, "hey, we both get them, or it doesn't happen." And every morning, for at least three years, we went for a walk and got coffee together. That was nice. 

Then (and this is the sloppy drama part) one of the other catty clique people I work with made some typical, shitty comment about her today, and I wanted to smash her fucking fat, ugly, lazy face in. I wanted to burn down bridges at work over a passive aggressive slight against my friend who is leaving, whose life is so big that it doesn't include me, who the first time I wrote about her in this blog, it was to describe how she was a better person than me because she was from Cville, in that certain particular better bred way.

So this is me getting ready to go to work tomorrow into all this.