Not so cold today, almost warm at 41.

I guess I was thinking about why I got so upset about the house stuff last night. I think maybe I have some baggage about last winter ("I might have some baggage about last winter" she said!) and a general fear about not having a place to live. There are a thousand good, logical reasons to buy a house, but I think underneath there's some part of me that feels wildly scared about being in a position to lose my place of residence and ending up essentially homeless. I don't want to be beholden to anyone about something as basic as where I sleep, and this whole idea of the landlord having so much control about something so simply essential to my life makes me feel a couple different types of crazy. I feel this animal-like panic around it. 

It's probably fine though. I had a real conversation with Faith today - she's trying to buy a commercial space for their business so if they do sell the house, they can immediately put the money into the new space and avoid capital gains tax. It just will mean more waiting. I can wait. And it's fine if I buy stupid sunflower seeds in the meantime. I'll put them fucking somewhere. 

This is the last kind of quiet weekend on the horizon for a while. Next week, Luray for my mom's birthday, and then flying out of Charlottesville to San Francisco. I've never been to the west coast. (For a second there, I thought you disappeared. It rains a lot this time of year.) A couple of the dumb history books I'm always reading have lately been about the history of that place, so that's kind of a nice coincidence. I'm supposed to be working, but might take half days to explore.